My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.