Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That