Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”