I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
One venti cheeseburger please.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.