I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I feel seen
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Okay me first
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me