My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My dog learned how to text
Otters drive ottermobiles.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Breaking news:
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
im 7 sauces long
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀