HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I鈥檓 doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* 鈥
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 馃挬
You can鈥檛 make me happy, you鈥檙e not a bag of chips.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 馃敟馃寠馃槑馃寠馃敟
i have lived through 30 winters and i鈥檓 somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you鈥檙e slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn鈥檛 hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.