Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
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Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no