The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.