Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Lucky old June.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.