*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system