People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
A double negative is a big no-no.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
tourist season
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I found your tweet-up…
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy