My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body