I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.