[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
B
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.