SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
oh shit
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish