THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.