*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Guilty! 🤪
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Oh no
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.