I think my mom just blocked me
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I’m going to need a moment here.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Genius idea!!
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”