The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary