There’s no “us” in nachos.
You Might Also Like
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here