Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
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RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
These 3D printers are insane!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this