I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
😲 WTF? 😆
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.