Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Had an epiphany today.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.