Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
What if all the cashiers are married?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy