I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Current mood: Potato
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
cats when you pet them too long:
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?