[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
why isn’t he texting back