Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.