I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar