*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
he looks great for his age
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted