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Best spoiler warning ever
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
the simulation is moving too fast
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
ok like just. call me at this point
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
girls literally only want one thing..
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys