I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat