Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂