@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Lmao
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Wait for it
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right