[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
mentally somewhere in italy
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”