We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not