[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Dead sexy!!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning