They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.