Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
You Might Also Like
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?