The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.