Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
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Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.