I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
When I said I liked it rough.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”