I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.