Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
mentally somewhere in italy
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.