*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman