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Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
#Caturday
Thick as shit.