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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Taliband
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.