Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.