Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r