Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶